Supporting a friend through any kind of trauma, bad experience or hard season is challenging, and it can be even more complex when food and our bodies are involved. I recently did a poll on instagram to see what people would find useful while struggling either through an eating disorder or disordered eating and I will share the responses below (in addition to my own).
One point that I think is important to make is (as the friend doing the supporting) being able to discern if what your friend says she needs is truly going to help her heal and live a more fulfilling life in the long-term…or not. Because eating disorders and disordered eating are in part ways of coping with challenging experiences or emotions, your friend who is struggling may not know what she needs. She may be in a place where she doesn’t understand the pain she’s experiencing or hasn’t taken the leap to actively engage in recovery. Navigating that place is very hard and I think there are different responses appropriate for the stage she may be in. Again, this takes a lot of time and it’s equally important to not make sweeping generalizations for why she’s acting the way she is.
I’m going to separate these actions/words into three buckets: one for the friend who is struggling and has not decided to seek care (yet), one that has decided to pursue recovery (whether independently, in an outpatient center, residential, etc) and one for things to say/do when around all friends (regardless of disordered eating history).
Be kind but firm. This situation can be the most difficult, depending on the type of relationship you have with your friend. Someone struggling with a complicated relationship with food deserves a lot of compassion, not judgement. You may not understand everything, but you can still listen. Depending on the severity, you may need to be careful but firm about your language. There are some hard conversations to be had but emphasizing that you care and want to see your friend live a healthy and fulfilling life may encourage them to seek help.
Tell someone. If you aren’t sure what symptoms to look for, here’s a good resource. Depending on the severity of your friend’s preoccupation with food and her body, you may need to tell someone — her parents, spouse, etc. This is a challenging time but it’s my opinion that it’s better to be safe than sorry.
Understand that you can’t “fix” your friend. We cannot change someone’s mind or make them understand that their behaviors are destructive. Sometimes we want recovery for the person more than she does, and that’s hard. But all we can do is point them in the right direction (if asked) and reassure them that we are here. This idea of “fixing” can be extended to many other areas of our lives — I think it’s common to want to take on someone else’s burden/bad habit/etc and try to change it for them. But all that does is cause you to overfunction and it doesn’t help the person who is struggling to learn how to cope with problems in a healthy, independent way.
Reassurance that recovery is worth it (encourage them for adopting new behaviors)
Adopting new behaviors that may or may not result in body changes is hard. Your friend will appreciate encouragement from you. Assure her that what she’s doing will be worth it and will allow her to move toward a life of freedom. This can be much harder said than done, especially in a culture that is continually tempting us to change our bodies.
Use “I” statements instead of “you.” Using “I” statements instead of “you” is valuable in every difficult conversation you have with someone. Essentially, “I” statements take the blame or emphasis off the other person. “You” statements sound accusatory. Example: “I am feeling….” “When you do X, I feel…” “
Be cautious of your own negative self-talk or diet-talk, which can be triggering. Once you establish a non-diet bubble (whether in person or online), it’s alarming to step back out into the real world filled with diets and weight talk. When I was first introduced to intuitive eating and the weight-neutral paradigm, I had a hard time talking with friends, family and coworkers. I’ve had to do a lot of rephrasing or even leave the conversation because it was hard to listen to. If you know your friend struggles with body image, restriction, etc, be aware of how your words may affect her. Even talking negatively about yourself can trigger her into second-guessing or doubting herself.
Talk about things other than food and your body. Yes, please! There is so much more to talk about than food and our bodies. Unless we’re talking about how much you’re looking forward to a meal (and depending on where your friend is in recovery this may need to be checked), there’s no reason to continually talk about the minutiae of food.
Listen. Chances are you don’t totally understand what it’s like to live in your friend’s world. It’s pretty safe to say none of us really know what it’s like to be in someone else’s shoes, so asking questions and listening are really helpful ways to show empathy. A lot of the time you don’t actually need to know what to say — you just need to be there.
Prayer. This was suggested through the poll, and I love it! Prayer can absolutely help your friend through her recovery. God is with us whether or not we feel His presence, and no prayer is ever in vain.
Is there anything you would add?
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