The difference between sympathy & empathy

I’m reading a book about women and shame by Brene Brown, and it’s been really helpful. The entire book is about developing shame resilience, but the book begins with understanding what shame is and what barriers might prevent us from recognizing or properly responding to it (either internally or when we speak to others).

One section that was particularly interesting to me was when Brene described the difference between sympathy and empathy. Truthfully, before this chapter I hadn’t really thought much about the two terms side by side, but there is definitely a difference.

In regards to the impact on shame, empathy helps people overcome shame while sympathy actually exacerbates feelings of shame. This feels important especially for someone like me who has worked with clients suffering from eating disorders, but it’s also vital for anyone who wants to be a more compassionate and helpful friend (IMO).

Someone seeking empathy wants to know that she’s not alone, that others have experienced similar feelings and that these feelings she’s experiencing won’t prevent her from being accepted or valued.

Empathy responses look like: “I’m sorry. That sounds hard. Is there anything I can do to help?” or “I can understand why that feels hard and scary. I’m here for you.”

With sympathy, we aren’t trying to really understand what it’s like to be in the other person’s shoes — maybe we’re too busy, not willing to emotionally go there or we want to seem “better than” or above this person’s struggle. Sympathy looks down on the world of the person who is struggling and says, “I don’t understand your world, but from this view things look pretty bad. I’m sad for you and sorry that happened, but let’s be clear: I’m over here.”

When we’re looking for empathy and we receive sympathy, we can feel judged, even more alone and separated from everyone else. The reason I’m writing about these topics isn’t to shame you for expressing sympathy when empathy was needed — it’s totally okay to not know the difference between these concepts (hi, that’s why I’m writing this because I’m learning too). Thankfully, empathy can be learned!

4 components of empathy:

• To be able to see the world as others see it
• To be non-judgemental
• To understand another person’s feelings
• To communicate your understanding of that person’s feelings

Brene also goes into the challenge of trying to respond with empathy when someone is seeking sympathy.

Sympathy-seekers are essentially looking for people to “validate the uniqueness of my struggle” or “feel sorry for me because I’m the only person this is happening to.”

When you’re in a conversation with someone seeking sympathy, there’s essentially two options: give the sympathy she’s seeking or try to dig deeper by asking an empathetic question.

Example: “You’re telling me no one can understand, yet you’re asking me to understand. What should I do?

Overall, I found these explanations and phrases really helpful in differentiating between sympathy and empathy. I’ve been trying to use them in conversations with friends and family, and I hope they’ve been helpful in helping the people in my life feel supported and valued.