Things I’ve learned in the first 10 months of marriage

“How’s marriage going?” Friends, acquaintances, and family members love to innocuously ask this question to newly married couples. Most of the time when I’m asked this question, my initial thought is: do you really want to know? Not because it’s terrible but because it’s kind of a long, nuanced explanation and I don’t think you signed up for a soliloquy when you tried making small talk. 

But before I say anything, I usually stop for a few seconds and think to myself: *How is marriage going? Well…I think? We still haven’t agreed on that one thing and I think my husband is annoyed that I asked him to put his mug in the sink again. Why do I keep doing that? But also, why can’t he do it? Also sometimes I ask him about something I know he hasn’t gotten a chance to do – like take out the trash or call his doctor – just to remind him to do it. Gosh, that must be annoying to him. I’m going to try to stop doing that.* I trail off in thought. 

I usually settle with something hopeful but honest: “It’s going pretty well, thank you! You know, normal ups and downs but I love being married!” And it’s true, I do. But marriage is hard and fun and exhausting and challenging and joyful all at once. It’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. I truly believe it is different than dating or being engaged. Our culture has a funny way of trivializing certain things, and marriage seems to be one of them. But I fully believe in the sanctity of marriage and that something special happens when two people come together, setting aside their own needs and comforts to partner together for something greater. Here’s what I’ve learned in the 10 months I’ve been married.

Communication is everything.

If there’s one single thing I’ve had reinforced over and over, it’s that communication will make or break a marriage (or any relationship). All of the following lessons are essentially different examples of why communication is so important. Some questions that cross my mind (albeit sometimes too late) when talking with my husband are: “What is he hearing me say? What’s the motive behind this phrase? Am I trying to tear down or build up? How can I put his needs before mine? What else is going on right now — is this the best time to have this conversation?”

Expectations matter.

Josh and I both read Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Pete Scazzero (10/10 recommend) where we learned more details about the impact of our families of origin and why expectations are so important, among other things. Particularly when it comes to an expectation: if it has not been agreed upon, it’s just a hope. When two people have different expectations for a specific situation (i.e. a conversation, a date night, an evening routine, etc), conflict can arise, feelings can be hurt, etc. The author outlines the four reasons expectations often are not met — they are either 1. Unconscious; 2. Unrealistic; 3. Unspoken; or 4. Un-agreed upon.

Where is your identity?

We all have identities — unwanted and wanted — that shape how we view ourselves or want others to view us. Unfortunately “wife” proved insufficient as the sole source of my identity (as expected) and I quickly found myself seeking a deeper sense of security. (I have known for some time that “wife” or “dietitian” or “runner” would not provide me with the sense of security I was longing for but it’s interesting how often we revert back to old ideas expecting something new.) I have spent the last few years trying to follow Jesus and find my identity in Him and in my mind I have done that but am still working out what that tangibly looks like. (Does that make sense? I.e. Does my identity manifest in how I handle hard situations? Where I turn to in times of stress or discomfort? Where I find peace and solace in ever-changing times? [Am I being too existential? It’s possible.] But what does it actually mean to have your identity reside in who you are as a follower of Christ? Because I think it’s more than just saying you do.) It’s always a good reminder that that process will be ongoing for the rest of my life. 

Be deliberate with your time for work, rest and play.

Sundays are without a question a time for rest and/or play for Josh and I (at least that’s the goal). You’d think it’d be easy to be deliberate with rest and play, but it’s actually the hardest part for us. We both like to “get things done” and busy ourselves with work or exercise, so it’s really important for us to take time to slow down. I’ve read some of Brene Brown’s work and one phrase of hers (among others) that really stuck with me was: Sometimes you need to pick the secret treasure. I try to make Sunday’s secret treasure days where I especially relax, indulge, watch movies, paint, do something spontaneous or do nothing at all.

Comparison is a sure-fire way to torch joy.

I’ve been on social media less since getting married. For me, it was too easy to compare my relationship to others’ and it made me feel less grateful for the marriage I have. We say over and over that social media isn’t real life, but so many of us still feel less-than when looking at it. Even audibly saying to myself “that’s not the whole story” has been helpful when I see something that makes me question whether or not we’re doing “enough” to make our relationship as good as someone else’s.

Give and take space when needed.

This one was and is hard for me. Our schedules don’t match up really well, and we typically have 2 nights/week to spend together. While we were dating/engaged, we didn’t live together, which made it even harder at times. Sometimes I would even count the hours we had left together — that didn’t help me or him enjoy our time together! But now I’ve learned space is necessary, even when our quality time is limited. This has helped me learn to do more things on my own and give him space to process things (because we aren’t the same & think differently, despite being married).

Know thyself.

This is a general plug that it’s been important to know myself, what I’m feeling and what my tendencies, assumptions and biases are. Because they’re influencing how I perceive, filter and engage with my world and now my spouse’s world too.

Is this worth fighting about?

My husband and I are both idealistic, rational, competitive people who like to be right (HA, don’t we sound fun!). There have been many times where we got into arguments because of our pride. Halfway through, one of us would stop and ask, “Why are we even arguing about this?!” Marriage has been a series of continually swallowing my pride and reminding myself that I don’t need to be right, I don’t have to do everything on my own and that our marriage is more important than my ego.

Seek out and be appreciative of a mentor.

It’s been incredibly helpful to have healthy husband/wife duos that have served as role models and been able to provide insight/encouragement and have hard conversations with us. We were told the first year or two of marriage is tough, but we didn’t really know until we were in it. Mentors and friends have helped normalize our situation when we felt like we were doing marriage “wrong.”

Sit still in discomfort.

There have been days, weeks or even a month where either Josh or I was off — processing something, dealing with a tough project at work, etc. We learned in marriage counseling when you’re listening to someone vent, it’s helpful to ask: Do you want me to listen or help you fix this? Again, clarifying expectations. We’ve been learning (struggling through honestly) when to listen vs when to help. I’ve started asking myself: Am I trying to fix this because I see you’re uncomfortable or because your discomfort is uncomfortable for me? Most of the time, sad/confused/uncomfortable people just want you to sit with them, and that’s hard to do.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading my thought rambles. 🙂 I’m looking forward to what Josh and I will learn as we grow together more and more.