How to Talk to Your Spouse or Significant Other About Intuitive Eating

I received this question via instagram and thought a lot of people could relate:

What would you say to someone who wants to start the intuitive eating process but is married to someone who wants her to lose weight and finds his wife more attractive at a lower weight?

Ah, gosh this is a tough question. I have so much compassion for those who feel like their spouse or partner won’t support their journey to intuitive eating and food freedom. I think it could be tempting to simply say “well, get a new partner!” but the truth is this is much more complex than that.

First — let’s establish that all people live in and are accustomed to diet culture and our weight-focused society. So it’s quite normal for men and women to prefer thin bodies and not understand intuitive eating or why it would matter and be helpful. Let that sink in. We are all living in a world that’s telling us to be smaller and “take our health into our own hands!”. Not only is that worldview exhausting, but it’s also not true. We aren’t in control of our health in the way wellness and diet culture try to convince us we are. Sit with that.

If you are at a place where you’ve struggled quietly with an eating disorder or disordered eating, let me first say that I see you. That is so hard. Pursing food freedom through self-care, intuitive eating and stress management is so worth it. And still hard. Explaining this process to another person can make it even harder. Here’s what I’d (humbly) suggest:

1. Find an undistracted time to communicate honestly & vulnerably about what it’s been like to live in your body with your relationship with food. Your spouse or partner or significant other might not have a clue of the daily turmoil that comes with dieting or restricting or struggling with your relationship with food and your body. Help this person understand.
2. Have a conversation about your own insecurities/worries about your fears about your own body changing — acknowledging that your partner isn’t the only one (or even the primary one!) who will be adjusting to any potential body changes. Again, this is another opportunity to be transparent about the unknowns of pursuing food freedom and your natural body size. The truth is we don’t know what will happen to your weight, but the freedom you will gain from pursuing intuitive eating will be significant. 
3. Communicate what intuitive eating is and what it’s not — again, it’s easy for people to hear intuitive eating and think “you no longer care about your health” and be confused. (Honestly, it is your prerogative to decide how important your health is to you.) However, I say this is worth explaining because for a lot of people who want to intuitively eat — they do care about their health and intuitive eating & self-care is the way they can do a better job of taking care of it. But if nothing else, this brings your partner into the conversation and helps them understand your intentions.
4. Set boundaries (if needed) with your spouse or significant other when it comes to food, exercise or any other areas that you’re working to develop a healthier relationship with until you can come to a more cohesive understanding. It’s okay if your person doesn’t get it right now, and at the same time it’s okay for you to continue to pursue a life free of diet culture in the meantime.
5. Give your spouse or significant other space & time to learn and process. It’s likely you didn’t completely change your mind about diet culture in a couple days, so your spouse or partner may need time too. Everyone processes information differently, and diet culture is really sneaky. It’s okay if this takes some time.

It’s very likely that you’ll need to have several conversations about this, so don’t be discouraged if it’s not all resolved right away. And of course in some relationships, you don’t need to explain yourself or your decisions. If you aren’t married, you ultimately belong to yourself (and God). However — marriage, in my humble opinion, is one of the times where more explanation is needed because you are in a devoted partnership and trust and understanding is so needed for that partnership to continue to thrive. 

If you feel like your spouse or partner is still not understanding or supportive, it could be helpful to have a professional counselor or therapist involved so you can have a mediator for such a delicate subject.

Sending you lots of love & compassion