I first learned about the three things needed for recovery from Jessica Setnick, MS, RD, CSSD, CEDRD through her training workshop – Eating Disoder Bootcamp Home Study for Professionals CDs. This post is how they have applied specifically to me.
Most people (though not all) that I meet or have heard from who suffer from disordered eating or an eating disorder are perfection-seeking, task-oriented and performance-driven. Myself included. So I can imagine some people reading this are like okay, just tell me what to do. Seriously, I’ll do it. And they want to check this off their to-do list. Thank goodness I don’t have to worry about that anymore.
For me it didn’t work like that.
Eating disorders aren’t cured by a checklist because they’re extremely complex. When I was in the middle of my disordered eating, I just kept thinking: I can do better. I can be smaller. I can run farther. Give me another task, I can do it. Let me prove it to you.
In my experience, there were three separate revelations that led me to recover from disordered eating:
A turning point
A reason to live
A new identity
I gave up all the ideas about my worth being tied to my size. My head was spinning, and I didn’t want to be constantly driven by those irrational fears anymore.
I gave these things up because I was drowning in my obsession with perfection. I reached a point where I wanted to be a normal person who could go out to eat without a head swirling with thoughts about fat and calories and carbs. I wanted to wake up and enjoy a day at home without such immense guilt that it ruined my day. I wanted to figure out why I was so wrapped up in my appearance that I was willing to sacrifice events, friends and social gatherings.
What I came to understand was this ghost — this perfection — I was seeking was not actually real. It’s an impossible standard. The end was never going to come. I was never going to arrive. I was never going to be satisfied with my size or eating habits. That’s why it’s called a ghost.
Again, this looks different for everyone. I realized I enjoyed not having all my thoughts tied to my food and body. I loved being able to be present with my friends and family – to be able to enjoy a meal or a concert or an evening out without feeling like I needed to micromanage my eating habits. I came to crave that freedom. It became my new reason to live. I also felt a deep desire to show others that they can live this way too. That their worth isn’t tied to their size. And so my reason to live grew into more than just to benefit myself.
While the turning point and reason to live were helpful in progressing away from my disordered eating habits, they were not sustainable long-term. I still lacked a deep sense of identity and worth that nothing on Earth could fill. It wasn’t until I fully understood my position in Christ that I felt free from the chains of disordered eating. I truly cannot express this enough: for me, no amount of affirmations or encouraging words from anyone can compare to the joy I receive daily from Jesus. Nothing compares and nothing will ever compare. Once I understood that I was bought at a price, that I am loved and known and have been since the beginning of time, that I am free from condemnation and have a divine calling (as do you!) on my life, I understood that my food and exercise choices bear no weight to my value. Our current cultural moment, full of chaos, conflict and change has left us searching for a safe space to call home. I found mine in Christ.
Please note that my experience may not be the same as yours. As always, please do not substitute anything you read on the internet for what you may be working through with your personal RD or therapist. -Alyssa
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